Batman is my favorite DC comics character, why? Well he doesn't have special powers, but he has years of martial arts traning, he designed or "borrowed" unique items and gagets, he's intellegent and he totally rocks in the Justice Leage cartoons.

Well this looks cool for a title screen doesn't it?

Ok...A simple menu.

Select hero? Well I obviously want to play as Batman.

....Uh...Ok this is the screen where I select the gagets I want to use.

Oh that's cool, look at all the information there.

Force Wall...Ok I'll select this.

Now we have a map here...

...

Whoa...Is this the first level's map? Look at all the tunnles and stuff, I'll never find my way through all that.

Oh...So I'm suppose to restore order.

........Is this the loading screen? Well I've never seen one say "Hold on"

.........

And how many times do you see a loading screen for the Super Nintendo anyway?

 

Sure is taking a long time.....

........

Yep....

........

any second now....

Alright!! Now that's what I'm-

Wait a minute...what is this? This is Batman Forever? What a nightmare!

Everything is wrong here!

First of all the music makes my ears bleed, seriously, it's so annoying, it's not action packed, or even normal, it sounds more like if your waiting in the elevator in a NINTENDO game.

Next are these stupid foreground objects, I can't see Batman hardly cause he always gets blocked by colums, paper, who knows what it even is, but it blocks my view so I can't see what I'm doing!

Hold on? Again? I only fought like 3 guys in one area so far, why does it need to load again?

Now let's talk about Batman...he looks bad, his fighting stance is laughable, just leave him alone and it looks like he's having a seizure, or overexaggerating trying to be a Mortal Kombat character.

The controls are real akward too, repeatedly pushing Y or X makes him punch repeatedly, but the only difference is he punches a little higher or at chest area...What a waste of a button.

speaking of buttons, how do I use my items like the Batarang? Or that Force Wall thing anyway? I can't do it, I've tried every button combination I can think of and I can't do it.

I know what they could have done, is make Y punch, B kick and X and A be your weapons button, but no your suppose to hit a combination of buttons...I mean they can't do the thing in Zelda where you pause...select a weapon...then press a button to use it? What's the deal?

Ok I beat this guy, but there's a green question mark on the ground.

........Oh I hate riddles...

Ok well I figure I'm suppose to do something special here.

after pressing every button I figured out that "Select" fires your grappling gun....

Seriously

Select is the most un-used button in video gaming history, why select?

What about the L and R buttons? Well R blocks...But L doesn't do anything...It couldn't have been L?

The riddle is your suppose to fire your grappling gun while pushing up...But Up is your jump command, so this is hard because the grappling gun has a delay effect...Seriously, when you press select, nothing happens for a second, then it fires...Wow that's sad. So you have to press select...then up the next second for it to fire up to rasie you to the next floor...

So I beat all the guys here...now what?

What?

See what I mean by foreground junk? I can't see what ever it is flying at me.

Well I know what this means, you use your gagets on certain things to make new doors open...or to find hidden objects.....Well if I could use even ONE item I would!

At this point I looked on the internet to see if there was an actual explanation on how to use the weapons, and according to the manual the commands are like this:

"Forward, Forward, Away, Away, Right, X"

............................................

Ok.......um..........First of all this is NOT Mortal Kombat, and second of all....how the mess do you divide actions like forward, back and right??? This is 2D, you can't have forward backwards right and left be DIFFERENT!!!

You mean after every area it has to load for about 1 or 2 full minutes?

Another one huh?

.........I don't have a clue

Oh I'm gonna get you Mad Pete!

YAA! Take that...loser.

So far all the enemies look similar...But why do they all walk hunched over? Do ALL of them have back problems?

Ok here's a hole........How do I get down?

Well after messing around for an hour you have to press L and Down at the right moment.

This is ridiculous, why could it not just be one button like down? I don't understand why everything Batman does had to have the weirdest combination of buttons. What other game could you say "You press L and Down" ?

Why am I still playing?

Holy Cow...Look at this...I can't see Batman at all?! Where is he?! Has he been replaced with Waldo?!

Oh I think I see him now...What's that guy's name? Creditor?....I don't have a comeback there.

Wham!

Ok I killed him, moving on.

WAIT A SECOND...What was the point of that last area?! I came into a narrow room where I could hardly see to kill one guy....Then to leave to get another loading screen??? This is messed up, they could have skipped that part for crying out loud.

...................O-K....I've hit a dead end...

Oh you drop down with that weird button combination.

Fire Eater? I need to get out more I think.

Antifreeze?....Were you raised by cars?

This area has something different at least, electric chairs...Man that's just despirate

Shoot me

 

Again...With the narrow hall with unessissary stuff in the way blocking the view?.......And.....Ragwort?

And........AGAIN....Fighting one or three enemies to leave and get this again:

WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!

Now we're in the sewers...I think...It's not like the movie made much sense either.

Well I'll keep playing so I can see these ridiculous names.

Paranoid, Freak...

......The mess is an Anglophile?

Riff....and Raff....oh yeah that's a......uh........really.......not funny

Creep? I mean seriously? Who were these loving parents that named these kids?!

The guy's name is Clawhammer....I guess using names like "John" or "Bob" wouldn't be in place...Not like anything in this game is in place but this is Batman!

.....I missed that much stuff? Ah who cares, I'm not going back for it.

Does this even matter? I can't use weapons so what's the point?

It's been forever since....(No pun intended...) Since I've seen the movie Batman Forever...But I don't remember this part...Well it's not important anyway let's just play the dumb game.

Well at least the enemies are different...and hey they can walk straight after all.

Ha! See that guy fall on his head?

.......Uh...I think.......Nah.....I dunno.

Again with these inplausable names.

GASP! Charlie! Hey there's a name I'm familar with!

Hunter? and where'd Batman go?!

.........Dark..........Seed.........

Midnight? and speaking of that, he punched my lights out.

Well at least it doesn't say "Hold on"

You know I'm not all that sad about dying, I feel better that I'm not playing this game.

Well back to the main menu....Look at this...Did I mention the music was able to make your ears bleed? Oddly enough there's a Music On/Off switch....

Now think about that...

Why would they have such a feature?...You think because they knew...lol...They knew the music was bad?

The game is two players but that won't save it from being what it is really, I remember playing with my brother...(Who FORCED me to be Robin.) And we couldn't clear the first level together.

.........2 player Competitive?......Yeah I've seen this feature alot "Battletoads COUGH!!" and I think "Double Dragon COUGH!!"

Why? Why would anyone in their right mind want this mode? Competitive means that you can hurt your friend or whoever is playing with you...yeah you can kill the other player. There's only two reasons you'd choose that mode...you either wanted to kill each other or your insane. If they wanted a mode that could hurt the other player they might as well just make it a versus mode...Seriously.

Training mode? Oh...I didn't know about this, maybe this will tell me how to use my weapons?...correctly?

....huh? I'm confused now.

So this is training mode...You fight two holograms in the Batcave.

.....?

......So...How do I use my weapons?

Aww man

Yeah I'm gonna try again! I'm gonna beat those clowns!

.....Is there a point to this?

.......Eww...That must have hurt

What's the deal here? Do I get anything for this? Is there really a point to this training mode other than beating the crap out of clowns? I seriously doubt it so let's stop.

I'll humor the game some more by playing as Robin.

Oh man...Robin looks gayer than Batman.

He uses a pole? Not only that his attacks are in the same motion as Batman...That's right, he punches like Batman and kicks like Batman.

And of course Robin can't use his fists...no...we wouldn't want him to break a nail

And he sure does walk tough doesn't he? Pfff he looks kinda like Mr. Incredible from here.

Ok I gotta stop before I kill myself.

Ok so what did we learn today? Batman Forever is bad, the movie is bad the game is bad. The End

And nothing else can be said except Holy Crap Batman!